Dinghy sales with me and Weerasak Kowsurat

A journalist once told me that you can measure the arrogance of a celebrity by how many questions and comments they give to people in conversation. The less questions, the greater the arrogance.

I think it's true, so I now know that Weerasak Kowsurat, minister of tourism and sports, is actually a very modest, down to earth man. I know that because today I sat on a small dinghy with him as we darted around the Chao Phraya river.

The day was dull until then. The Tourist Police had a special ceremony which involved a whole lot of police, a display of force via police cars, Harley's and mountain bikes and no less than one hour and twenty minutes of talking, while we had to stand in the same spot. But then the day became surreal.

By chance, I was stood on the pier as Minister Kowsurat and the Tourist Police elite left the stage after their speech and headed to the pier. I moved out of their way as the entourage - surrounded by all kinds of media - stepped on board a small boat. Suddenly, the police commander said something about getting a foreign volunteer on the boat. His subordinate looked around, saw me, and literally grabbed me and pushed me towards the boat.

Before I knew what was happening, I was on board with some of the most important policemen and one of the most important politicians in Thailand. With all seats taken, I crouched on the floor next to Kowsurat, as the commander of the Tourist Police pointed out a few Loy Khatong sites to him.

It was less than five minutes before a motorised dinghy pulled up next to us. The commander told me to get on and I gladly obliged, feeling glad that the awkward moment was over. But then something happened that truly amazed me.

For reasons that I have not yet had explained to me, Minister Kowsurat suddenly jumped on to the small dinghy next to me. It was just him, me and the two drivers. Kowsurat instructed them to head to the next pier. He smiled at me, but didn't speak. So, still wondering if I was dreaming, I figured I'd start the chat.


"Have you had a good day minister?"

"Well yes, but it will be a long day, I'm flying to England this afternoon"

"But Thaksin isn't there any more"

[Thankfully he realised that I was joking and laughed]

"Yes but I'm going to see the princess"

Then our dinghy pulled up on a pier. I realised that I was supposed to distribute some of the tourist police leaflets to tourists, so I stood up on the wobbly dinghy and called out to some tourists.

They do what any self respecting tourist does when accosted in Thailand and ignore me. I turn to Kowsurat and say: "They think we are salesmen". He laughs and agrees. I explain we are just tourist police. The tourists realise we won't go away until they take our leaflets, so they take them.

I figure this incredible incident is now over, but Kowsurat instructs the driver to take us to another pier. As we move upriver I spot senior police, media and other people who are waving, filming and taking pictures.

I start another conversation and ask about the effects of the recent trouble on tourism. He explains tourism has dropped about twenty percent but that the worst seems to be over. I comment that the international coverage has been somewhat alarmist. He agrees and explains that he has invited ambassadors and media to visit him so he can show that the problems have not affected foreigners.

We stop at another pier. Once again I try to greet a few tourists and give out leaflets. Once again, I'm blanked. Kowsurat helps out by explaining: "we are not selling anything we just want to give some information". The tourist turns around and says something very, very rude in German. I don't know if Kowsurat understood but I did. Luckily another tourist takes our bumf and we leave.

Kowsurat asks about me. I talk about my family and my son and he does likewise. He then asks about my job and seems impressed when I mention my school. "it's a very good school" he says (my school is owned by a well known former minister). He even asks about my subject and what grades I teach. He asks which town I'm from, and mentions that he is visiting Manchester next week to meet some Thai athletes who will partake in the next Olympics. "I'm thinking of building a new pier at Sathorn" he tells me next. I respond by asking about the sky train route to Bang Khae. "It's planned to start next year" he says, "but" he grins; "you know it will take a while!".


Then our dinghy pulls up back at the main pier and we are pulled off the boat with media and other people looking at Kowsurat and wondering who the farang is with him. I thank Kowsurat and make my way home.

It's strange that of the phu yai I have met in Thailand, Weerasak Kowsurat and Sittichai Pookaiyaudom have been the least arrogant. Yet if I were Thai, I'd be opposed to them. I also note that the real phu yai in Thailand are a lot less domineering than some of those below them - such as headmasters and office managers - who seem to feel less secure about their authority, so spend more time displaying it. That trait, however, seems universal to me.

Life can be strange like that, especially in Thailand.

Training with the Thai Tourist Police

With a Police Lieutenant Colonel

So, six months after handing in my application to join the Thai Tourist Police Volunteers, I finally received my invitation to a training seminar.

What should I expect? Well the initial application stage was fairly impressive. The staff checked my background with the embassy and the Immigration department. I know this because my interviewer said: "Oh you work at [name of my employer] my uncle is a director there". That seemed to go down well. Heck, I wasn't even recruited yet and already the nepotism was kicking in!

So with a 5am alarm call, I set off to Sukhumvit soi 5, wondering what I would learn from the boys in brown. The hotel venue itself was very decent, if nothing special. I was ushered into a large conference hall and presented with an information pack. Amongst leaflets and tourists guides there was a booklet that explained how to make a police report. The information itself was solid, but the translation was poor. I wondered how the Tourist Police could produce something like this, but I was about to discover things would get worse before they got better.



The event kicked off with a senior sergeant welcoming everybody and declaring the training session open. Suddenly some music began to blast and we all had to stand up and salute. The expression of the commander in front of me stopped me from smiling.

We then began a lecture on the role of tourism in Thailand. There was just one problem - it was all in Thai. There were about one hundred volunteers at the seminar. Less than ten of us were farang, the others were Burmese, Japanese or Chinese. Very few could understand what was being said.

Suddenly, a strikingly attractive young woman stood up and said something to a commander at the front. She then walked to the stage and was introduced as both "Miss Chicago" and "Miss Songkran", who would translate for us. And so she did, though I think some of the volunteers were a little distracted from the topic at hand.

After a coffee break, the next lecture was on "national security" and was presented by a lady called Porpharas. Khun Pornpharas was obviously a highly educated lady from an upper class family. Her speech was intelligent and articulate but the topics she addressed covered issues such as economics and the politics of immigration. For me it was interesting, but the body language of those around me told me they knew this was not exactly relevant for police volunteers.


After lunch we had a new officer and a new topic. We were treated to a slideshow of foreign criminals believed to be located in Thailand. It was interesting stuff and I was ready to blast Bob Marley's "Bad Boys" track on my iPod and hunt these guys down, but sadly our beauty queen had gone home and the talk was only in Thai. It was becoming clear now, the senior command in the Thai Tourist Police may be great people and great policemen, but they couldn't speak English.

Still, the overall feel of day one was good. This was largely down to a man call Senior Segeant Major Peter, who was almost a one man police force by himself. Throughout the day he had exchanged jokes, wise cracks, banter and pranks with both his fellow Thais and the volunteers. He had broken down the culture barrier and explained why Thailand needed foreign volunteers and how grateful the police were.

With "Peter"

Day two began on an interesting note as I was attacked while eating a sandwich at 'Subway' on Sukhumvit by a drunken prostitute who was upset that I wouldn't hand her my sandwich. Sadly, I had not yet received any training that would actually help me deal with the situation. Would today be different?

Luckily, the answer was yes. Our first lecture was in English and "Peter" explained to us the different codes that could be used on a police radio. He also threw in a few very helpful names and contact numbers that we could use when dealing with police in general.

The next talk was an exercise in incident reporting. This introduced me to Pierre, the TTP translator who explained how the reporting system should work.

After being given some more training booklets, it was time for the "awards" ceremony and some general mingling. I managed to talk with a few senior officers who seemed genuinely friendly, grateful and good natured. I also spoke with a long serving English volunteer who explained how I could receive further training and move "up the ladder" (yes, the volunteers also have a ranking system) starting with the Lions Club convention in Bangkok next month.

So after a few snapshots, receipt of my uniform and a few goodbyes, it was over.

The "awards" ceremony

The training was interesting. I got to meet some new people from around the world and make some friends in the Thai police. I do feel ready to start, but that is more down to my chance encounter with the long serving Englishman than any of the training I received.

But that seems to be Thailand through and through. There is far more focus on friendliness and welcomes than there is on actual skills training. That might suffice in most professions, but when you doing a job such as police support, you would want something a bit more efficient.

It also worried me that there was literally zero physical based training in the entire seminar. Other than a few questions on the application form about health, physical details and martial arts training, there was no defence involved at all.

However, it was clear that all applicants were carefully screened for their own backgrounds and paperwork. This was applied to everybody which I thought was good, though it was clear the Burmese contingent were being given the closest attention.

Still, I learned something, met some new people, made some friends and in time I will be able to do a lot to help visitors to Thailand. It was time well spent.